Did you just see the Batmobile???
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Randomize
