You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Randomize
