Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
