i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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