If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
