the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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