hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
farters have to be the big spoon...
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
