just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize