I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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