I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
