even my farts smell like vagina
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
