guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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