where am i from again
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
