idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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