He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Success! We fucked roommates!
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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