Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
