ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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