I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwadâ€
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