when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
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