my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
