I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I think I won the penis lottery.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
