just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
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