the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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