did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
