i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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