we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
