Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
