The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
