You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize