Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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