and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
