last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
