so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Randomize
