I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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