In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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