I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I just gargled with NyQuil
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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