Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
