Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize