If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
