ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Randomize
