Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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