Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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