I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
third nipple confirmed
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
