Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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