I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
