i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
