when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Randomize
