Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
it's great music for shaving your balls
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
