i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
