dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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