You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
