I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
