I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
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