Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
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