I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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