I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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