i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
