So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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