That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
