I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Randomize
