Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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