He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
