I skipped work to stalk him.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize